Why I’ve Struggled with the Let Them Theory

What happens when the Let Them theory doesn’t work? Here’s how I navigate disrespect, set emotional boundaries, and protect my peace.

To my surprise, the ‘Let them’ theory proved more complicated than I thought, and I struggled to practice it.

I remember when I first came across the Let Them theory by Mel Robbins on TikTok, and I was instantly intrigued. While listening to the audiobook, I was fascinated as I could relate to many of the points being made.

I decided to give it a go. I began practising it when the neighbour didn’t smile back, I would say let them or if someone frowned at our garden whilst walking past because it wasn’t looking tidy, let them. I found that in these sorts of situations, the let them theory was helpful.

However, there were other times when the let them theory wasn’t as successful. I remember Mel Robbins having to say it repeatedly to herself, every time the thought popped into her head. So, I tried that too, over and over again. I even tried personalising, like let her or let him. But still no luck.  I held onto these situations for a lot longer than I should have.

I recently encountered a situation that I couldn’t shake.

So, I wrote it all out, kind of like a mind map: what happened, what I was upset about, and why it upset me.

Whilst doing this, I told myself that I didn’t want to be treated this way. I was struggling with how to respond to being disrespected, and by letting it happen, I felt like I was okay with it.

How to Deal with Being Disrespected

Nobody likes to feel disrespected. It doesn’t align with our values, and we feel that we don’t deserve it. You’re not wrong.  

When dealing with disrespect, it threatens our self-worth and sense of belonging and can make us feel powerless. In response, we often feel the need to protect and stand up for ourselves because we know that we don’t deserve to be treated this way.

This is where we may feel the need to get back at them or lash out in defence. Try to make them understand that they can’t hurt us like this. It hurts. However, when we react like this, we are allowing them to have this power over us. They got exactly what they wanted. A reaction.

I could break it down once I understood why I couldn’t just let them. I felt betrayed, especially since I wouldn’t do that to them. But that’s the key difference.

If someone finds this behaviour acceptable, then that’s on them, not on you. As I mentioned in my previous blog, ‘Learning to Let Go of Your Insecurities,’ these people probably do it to others or have done it in the past.

Getting over the feeling of being disrespected isn’t easy. But how this person may treat you doesn’t define the rest of you. Their opinion or behaviour towards you isn’t a reflection on who you are; it’s a reflection on them. Learning to love yourself can help overcome this because you know that you don’t deserve it, so you can walk away and not have their words hold so much power.

This feeling of disrespect doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it. How to respond to this feeling is to acknowledge their behaviour and disengage. If you can, learning to walk away and take a breather from being around these people can do you wonders.

Learning how to set healthy boundaries can help you protect your inner peace. Setting healthy boundaries can take many forms, including cutting off toxic relationships, declining social events, or learning to assert yourself.

Sometimes, fighting to be heard by people who will never listen can do more harm than good.

How I’m Now Using the Let Them Theory

I realised I can’t control their behaviour, but I can control mine, and who I interact with. And this is where I use the ‘let them’ theory: Let them be who they are.

If they think that this behaviour is okay, let them. It’s not a reflection on you, it’s a reflection on who they are.

I’ve learnt to limit what I share in conversations by practising selective hearing and not expressing my vulnerabilities. Let them do all the talking.

Just because they think this behaviour is okay, doesn’t mean you need to either. There are other ways to respect yourself in non-confrontational ways.

Final Thoughts

I believe using the let them theory on surface-level interactions works well. However, for those more disrespectful interactions, it takes a few more tools to work through them, for example, building on your self-esteem, standing up for yourself when needed, and building a thicker skin.

I would love to delve deeper into the let them theory when it comes to closer relationships, but unfortunately, I don’t have the know-how to give appropriate advice.

I think learning to let go that you don’t have the power to control what people say or do is a good starting block. But don’t lose your power to think you deserve it.

Keep shining,

Madeline